Hello, 2009

Believe it or not, its time for my yearly reflection. I have no clue how to start this thing. So much in and around me has changed, so many things that I have not written about. Too many to cover. I could write a book about each event of the last year. Instead, I will settle with a list of the highlights:

- Spring 2008: I spent wonderful quality time with my Nana and Papa while my Papa's health was declining. We played games, we talked, I smuggled cafe vanilla frappucinos into the hospital (Papa declared that they must serve the drink in heaven!), we prayed together.

- May 3rd, 2008: I saw my Papa alive for the last time. When I walked into the hospital room, he exclaimed, "Oh! An angel has come to visit me!" Before my parents and I left, he held my hand and repeated the words "Thank you" over and over again. I will always hold that day in my heart.

- May 4th, 2008: I got the dreaded phone call, and I wept. I learned that my Papa was no longer in pain - physically, mentally, and spiritually.

- May 5th, 2008: I traded my future and plans for God's by giving my two weeks notice to my boss. It was the day that I officially decided to give up engineering, the day I acknowledged that there is something better out there for my life. What a glorious day that was.

- May 24th, 2008: After a 10-minute interview, I was hired as a barista at Zephyr in Pasadena. I always wanted to work at a coffee shop. This was my chance.

- June 7th, 2008: I graduated from the 21-month Servant Partner's Internship. That stage of my life was done, and it was time to walk into the unknown.

- Summer 2008: I had a blast working at the coffee shop, living a structureless life, sailing with my parents, reading the books that I wanted to read (no more assigned reading for me!), sleeping in, and falling in love with Jesus all over again.

- July 2008: God blessed me financially through a settlement from a car accident 8 months prior, and from a sweet 2-week house sitting job.

- July 31st - August 10th, 2008: I traveled to Boston, Chicago, and Seattle, to visit friends, meet new ones, and witness a beautiful wedding.

- August, 2008: I received a job offer for a well-paid, part-time, no-stress job. In February of '08, I wrote in my journal that I felt God telling me I would not have to search for my next job. It would fall in my lap. This job offer was a confirmation of that sense. In March of '08, I asked for a stress-free job where I felt free to be myself. This job was an answer to that prayer.

- October 16, 2008: I released the bitterness and anger I felt over the past year and a half (Dec '06 through April '08). Reading my Goodbye, 2007 post might fill you in some. During my time of prayer and reflection in a rose garden, I was pleading with God that he would help me to see clearly and understand why I went through so much pain and frustration. "What was it all for? What did I learn from all of that???" And then He gently told me that everything was okay. He was orchestrating my life in a beautiful way, and I didn't have to understand it. It was simply a thorny part of my life - painful, but necessary for the survival and beauty of the rose.

- Fall, 2008: I noticed a change in myself. Still young, but growing up.

- December 27th - December 30th, 2008: I went on the best road trip of my life. I went with friends Corissa, Kevin, and Scott on a thousand-mile trip to Portland, Oregon, where we witnessed the beautiful marriage of our friends Daniel and Casey. Our lovely friend Courtney joined us for the trip back to LA.

I believe this road trip embodies the journey of my life in this past year. It was unexpectedly full of blessings, joy, love, and crazy amounts of fun, just like this unexpected year. In the same way that we left, not quite knowing what we would find, and encountering blessing after blessing, I left my job and decided to embark on a new and unknown journey, finding blessings of freedom and joy around every corner. Of course, there were tough times too, like when it took almost a full hour for us to replace the windshield wipers in the dark, rain, and cold, or when I spent hours asking God to help me clearly see the purpose of my past. And things were taken from us, like when we realized that someone stole a camera, leatherman, and cds from our car when we were at a pit stop, or when I lost my beloved grandfather.

But all these things were for our good.

And so here I am. Still humble, but now grateful and soaring, curious to see what God will bring in 2009. Curious to see every day.

do you ever feel like you are in the wrong place?

that is how i feel at this very moment.

there are a couple ways to address this problem:

1) self pity party. i don't suggest this. it doesn't get you anywhere, except more upset.

2) go somewhere else. this could be a good idea, but make sure you first know why you are currently in the wrong place. you don't want to drag the problem with you.

3) pray. i do believe this is the best option, but its tough. you are still in the wrong place and you usually feel like you aren't going anywhere. but the more you pray, the more you trust, and the more you let go, the more you can see Him preparing a great place for you.

Goodbye, 2007

I know, it's been a while since my last post. Sorry. But here I am, back to write a tribute for 2007.

Busyness is a key to my disappearance, but the real reason for my lack of activity is that these past few months have been tough. While struggling with the mess of my emotions, getting my thoughts together to write anything worth while was out of the question. But like I said, I'm back. I remember writing about the end of 2006 and the entry of 2007, and thought it would be appropriate to do the same for this new year. I hope this tribute to 2007 finds you well.

One year ago, on January 5, 2007, I wrote that I was incredibly excited for the year 2007. I expected it to be amazing. I was ready for my best year. If God had given me a glimpse into 2007, I probably would have never written such things.

All in all, this year was incredibly difficult. It was filled with conflict, most of which was internal. I therefore have nothing to show for it. No battle scar, no miraculous story, no beautiful piece of work that I labored over. To top it off, I am still in the meat of the conflict. And so there is no list of things I've learned, or how I have grown, no clear summary of the realizations I have come to through my thoughts. No epiphanies, no revelations, no enlightening. Nothing to show for my efforts. All I can show you is a girl humbled by her weaknesses. A girl who knows she has a long way to go.

So then, what do I say about 2007? While I didn't like it, it was a very necessary year. During this year, I have realized that I am that person that I don't want to be. At the risk of sounding immature, this year I clearly saw my ability to harm, to hurt, to not help. Doing none of these things intentionally, but instinctively, reactively, ignorantly. This year my weaknesses rang loud and clear, and my strengths seemed to disappear. And these realizations, these discoveries, whatever you want to call them, are necessary so that I may become the person that I want to be, and the person that God wants me to be.

So to 2007, I say goodbye. I will not miss you, but I will hopefully be grateful for you.

And what of 2008? I have hope for this next year, a hope that is more mature than the hope I had for 2007. A hope that is not so deterred by bad days and puffed up by good ones. This is a hope that trusts in God's grace and sovereignty.

Hopeful 2008!