The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row, it seems farther than ever before...

I have been listening to a lot of Death Cab for Cutie recently. Not a lot of songs, but a few songs over and over and over again. One song in particular is Death Cab's Transatlanticism. I have to admit that I have recently fallen in love with this song. Deeply in love. And I believe I have fallen so hard because it expresses something that I feel deep within my soul.

My life has been somewhat discombobulated, and this past year (starting around December '06) I've been slowly but surely going through the process of re-combobulating - if there is such a thing. I could probably go into a lot of detail about that, and hopefully will expand on my combobulations in later posts, but for now I'm going to keep it simple.

The point is I've been trying to bring my life together. I've been trying to find a focus point, a backbone, a rhythm, a sort of sanity or consistency between the roles of my life. My life is not complicated compared to most, but it felt and still feels broken, incomplete and at times contradicting. I believe these diagnoses are typical and true for most people, but I have finally gotten to a point where I long to be completed, centered, and healed - a process which could very well take the rest of my life and never finish. Fortunately, I knew exactly where to begin the process: Jesus.

The only way to be complete is to be completed, and I have no doubt that the only way to be completed is through Jesus. So what does that mean for me? I have been a "Christian" most of my life, and I have dedicated my life to following Jesus for almost 10 years now, but I still feel incomplete. Realizing the tension of not yet being completed by my God that completes, it became clear to me that I had to dig deeper. And this is where Death Cab for Cutie comes in.

While listening to Transatlanticism, I became aware of the way I resonated with the tones of separation and distance. I completely understood the idea of an ocean spilling across the earth, and separating me from what I am longing for. And then came the chorus of "I need you so much closer, I need you so much closer, I need you so much closer..." I closed my eyes as I listened to this chorus, and this what I saw:

I saw a hand being offered to me.
I took it, and was guided into a world.
It was the exact same world that we live in.
I saw the courtyard of my apartment complex.
I saw my neighbors.
I saw the beauty of life,
and I saw the pain.

But this world was different.
It was complete.
It was more real, more solid, more beautiful.
The colors were piercingly radiant.
Pain was still there, but it didn't matter.
The pain had purpose, and there was a clear end.
Contentment could be felt simply by breathing.
And everyone's eyes shined with hope.

This is what I saw when thinking to myself, "I need you so much closer." What I saw was my life with God present. I saw His kingdom reigning in my world. I saw the life for which I am longing.

This is a hard picture to translate to reality, because I don't think I am actually going to see the world in different colors, but I finally understand what the end result of my re-combobulation will feel like. It will transform my perception of the world. And the only way that will happen is if I step into God's kingdom.

And now back to the title of this blog. I have no clue how to step in, and this kingdom seems very very far away, even farther than before. But I think that is a good thing. At least I'm on the right planet, and I finally understand that I need to start rowing. The realization that I have to start rowing is what makes this vision feel so far from reality. My whole life I've been happy on my little island, but now I clearly see where I need to be, and that place is somewhere else entirely.

Seeing as this post is incredibly long and i've been sitting on this couch at this coffee shop for a very long time, I'll pause here, but expect more. If you have any thoughts or you want me to go more in depth on something specific, please post a comment!

waiting = not doing anything.

I was minding my own business one day when John Mayer's "Waiting on the World to Change" came on the radio.

I know this song has been out for a while, but I finally just recently listened to the words:

me and all my friends
we're all misunderstood
they say we stand for nothing and
there's no way we ever could

now we see everything that's going wrong
with the world and those who lead it
we just feel like we don't have the means
to rise above and beat it

so we keep waiting
waiting on the world to change
we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change

it's hard to beat the system
when we're standing at a distance
so we keep waiting
waiting on the world to change

now if we had the power
to bring our neighbors home from war
they would have never missed a Christmas
no more ribbons on their door
and when you trust your television
what you get is what you got
cause when they own the information, oh
they can bend it all they want

that's why we're waiting
waiting on the world to change
we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change

it's not that we don't care,
we just know that the fight ain't fair
so we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change
and we're still waiting
waiting on the world to change
we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change

one day our generation
is gonna rule the population
so we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change


I have a lot I could say about these lyrics and the video, but I'm going to keep it short.

Yes, this world has some big problems.
Yes, most of us do not have the ability or means to tackle many of the problems.
Yes, waiting is a HORRIBLE idea.
Yes, I like grafiti art (see video), but...
No. No no no no no. Posting the word "THINK" on a billboard is not going to cause someone to stop and think about how they can change the world.
Even if they stopped to "think", they wouldn't think about how they should wait for the world to change. They would think about what they could do to change the world.

I'm commenting on this song because I'm afraid that John Mayer's words actually sound like a good idea to many people who hear it. Truth be told, the first time I heard it I was glad to hear a song that focuses on the fact that the world needs to change. It isn't your typical, "I love her," "I hate life," "he's a slime-ball" song. Mayer's song feels fresh, different, and to many it might even sound meaningful. But there is a huge problem with his message.

If we all wait, nothing will change. At least nothing will change for the better. Maybe we can't fly to the middle east and end the war, the suicide bombings, the hunger, the murder, the death. But we can help our neighbors, we can mentor children, we can get involved in communities, we can support non-profits that are feeding the hungry, giving medical care to the sick, and helping people get on their feet. We can be kind to the environment. We can pray.

You don't have to be a doctor, politician, lawyer, movie star, or millionaire to change the world. You just have to stop waiting for a better doctor, politicain, lawyer... and start doing something.

anything. help an old lady walk across the street if you can't think of anything else.