Believe it or not, its time for my yearly reflection. I have no clue how to start this thing. So much in and around me has changed, so many things that I have not written about. Too many to cover. I could write a book about each event of the last year. Instead, I will settle with a list of the highlights:
- Spring 2008: I spent wonderful quality time with my Nana and Papa while my Papa's health was declining. We played games, we talked, I smuggled cafe vanilla frappucinos into the hospital (Papa declared that they must serve the drink in heaven!), we prayed together.
- May 3rd, 2008: I saw my Papa alive for the last time. When I walked into the hospital room, he exclaimed, "Oh! An angel has come to visit me!" Before my parents and I left, he held my hand and repeated the words "Thank you" over and over again. I will always hold that day in my heart.
- May 4th, 2008: I got the dreaded phone call, and I wept. I learned that my Papa was no longer in pain - physically, mentally, and spiritually.
- May 5th, 2008: I traded my future and plans for God's by giving my two weeks notice to my boss. It was the day that I officially decided to give up engineering, the day I acknowledged that there is something better out there for my life. What a glorious day that was.
- May 24th, 2008: After a 10-minute interview, I was hired as a barista at Zephyr in Pasadena. I always wanted to work at a coffee shop. This was my chance.
- June 7th, 2008: I graduated from the 21-month Servant Partner's Internship. That stage of my life was done, and it was time to walk into the unknown.
- Summer 2008: I had a blast working at the coffee shop, living a structureless life, sailing with my parents, reading the books that I wanted to read (no more assigned reading for me!), sleeping in, and falling in love with Jesus all over again.
- July 2008: God blessed me financially through a settlement from a car accident 8 months prior, and from a sweet 2-week house sitting job.
- July 31st - August 10th, 2008: I traveled to Boston, Chicago, and Seattle, to visit friends, meet new ones, and witness a beautiful wedding.
- August, 2008: I received a job offer for a well-paid, part-time, no-stress job. In February of '08, I wrote in my journal that I felt God telling me I would not have to search for my next job. It would fall in my lap. This job offer was a confirmation of that sense. In March of '08, I asked for a stress-free job where I felt free to be myself. This job was an answer to that prayer.
- October 16, 2008: I released the bitterness and anger I felt over the past year and a half (Dec '06 through April '08). Reading my Goodbye, 2007 post might fill you in some. During my time of prayer and reflection in a rose garden, I was pleading with God that he would help me to see clearly and understand why I went through so much pain and frustration. "What was it all for? What did I learn from all of that???" And then He gently told me that everything was okay. He was orchestrating my life in a beautiful way, and I didn't have to understand it. It was simply a thorny part of my life - painful, but necessary for the survival and beauty of the rose.
- Fall, 2008: I noticed a change in myself. Still young, but growing up.
- December 27th - December 30th, 2008: I went on the best road trip of my life. I went with friends Corissa, Kevin, and Scott on a thousand-mile trip to Portland, Oregon, where we witnessed the beautiful marriage of our friends Daniel and Casey. Our lovely friend Courtney joined us for the trip back to LA.
I believe this road trip embodies the journey of my life in this past year. It was unexpectedly full of blessings, joy, love, and crazy amounts of fun, just like this unexpected year. In the same way that we left, not quite knowing what we would find, and encountering blessing after blessing, I left my job and decided to embark on a new and unknown journey, finding blessings of freedom and joy around every corner. Of course, there were tough times too, like when it took almost a full hour for us to replace the windshield wipers in the dark, rain, and cold, or when I spent hours asking God to help me clearly see the purpose of my past. And things were taken from us, like when we realized that someone stole a camera, leatherman, and cds from our car when we were at a pit stop, or when I lost my beloved grandfather.
But all these things were for our good.
And so here I am. Still humble, but now grateful and soaring, curious to see what God will bring in 2009. Curious to see every day.
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Monday, October 06, 2008
signs of aging
My roommates and I were having a conversation about prayer, and I was reminded of my nightly childhood prayer:
Dear God, thank you for this day. I pray that I won't have any nightmares, and that you will help us find a cure for aids and cancer. I love you a WHOLE bunch. Amen.
Oh the prayer of innocence.
It seems that as I have gotten older, a more common prayer that I have heard and can more often relate to goes a little more like this:
Dear God, thank you for another day. Please help me to not have dreams about men(/women), and protect me and my loved ones from aids and cancer. I am trying to love you. Please help me to love you more. Amen.
If only we could be like children again, more afraid of the boogie man than singleness, more aware of the needs of others than our own mortality, and more in love with our God than ourselves.
Dear God, thank you for this day. I pray that I won't have any nightmares, and that you will help us find a cure for aids and cancer. I love you a WHOLE bunch. Amen.
Oh the prayer of innocence.
It seems that as I have gotten older, a more common prayer that I have heard and can more often relate to goes a little more like this:
Dear God, thank you for another day. Please help me to not have dreams about men(/women), and protect me and my loved ones from aids and cancer. I am trying to love you. Please help me to love you more. Amen.
If only we could be like children again, more afraid of the boogie man than singleness, more aware of the needs of others than our own mortality, and more in love with our God than ourselves.
Saturday, March 01, 2008
do you ever feel like you are in the wrong place?
that is how i feel at this very moment.
there are a couple ways to address this problem:
1) self pity party. i don't suggest this. it doesn't get you anywhere, except more upset.
2) go somewhere else. this could be a good idea, but make sure you first know why you are currently in the wrong place. you don't want to drag the problem with you.
3) pray. i do believe this is the best option, but its tough. you are still in the wrong place and you usually feel like you aren't going anywhere. but the more you pray, the more you trust, and the more you let go, the more you can see Him preparing a great place for you.
there are a couple ways to address this problem:
1) self pity party. i don't suggest this. it doesn't get you anywhere, except more upset.
2) go somewhere else. this could be a good idea, but make sure you first know why you are currently in the wrong place. you don't want to drag the problem with you.
3) pray. i do believe this is the best option, but its tough. you are still in the wrong place and you usually feel like you aren't going anywhere. but the more you pray, the more you trust, and the more you let go, the more you can see Him preparing a great place for you.
Friday, January 04, 2008
Goodbye, 2007
I know, it's been a while since my last post. Sorry. But here I am, back to write a tribute for 2007.
Busyness is a key to my disappearance, but the real reason for my lack of activity is that these past few months have been tough. While struggling with the mess of my emotions, getting my thoughts together to write anything worth while was out of the question. But like I said, I'm back. I remember writing about the end of 2006 and the entry of 2007, and thought it would be appropriate to do the same for this new year. I hope this tribute to 2007 finds you well.
One year ago, on January 5, 2007, I wrote that I was incredibly excited for the year 2007. I expected it to be amazing. I was ready for my best year. If God had given me a glimpse into 2007, I probably would have never written such things.
All in all, this year was incredibly difficult. It was filled with conflict, most of which was internal. I therefore have nothing to show for it. No battle scar, no miraculous story, no beautiful piece of work that I labored over. To top it off, I am still in the meat of the conflict. And so there is no list of things I've learned, or how I have grown, no clear summary of the realizations I have come to through my thoughts. No epiphanies, no revelations, no enlightening. Nothing to show for my efforts. All I can show you is a girl humbled by her weaknesses. A girl who knows she has a long way to go.
So then, what do I say about 2007? While I didn't like it, it was a very necessary year. During this year, I have realized that I am that person that I don't want to be. At the risk of sounding immature, this year I clearly saw my ability to harm, to hurt, to not help. Doing none of these things intentionally, but instinctively, reactively, ignorantly. This year my weaknesses rang loud and clear, and my strengths seemed to disappear. And these realizations, these discoveries, whatever you want to call them, are necessary so that I may become the person that I want to be, and the person that God wants me to be.
So to 2007, I say goodbye. I will not miss you, but I will hopefully be grateful for you.
And what of 2008? I have hope for this next year, a hope that is more mature than the hope I had for 2007. A hope that is not so deterred by bad days and puffed up by good ones. This is a hope that trusts in God's grace and sovereignty.
Hopeful 2008!
Busyness is a key to my disappearance, but the real reason for my lack of activity is that these past few months have been tough. While struggling with the mess of my emotions, getting my thoughts together to write anything worth while was out of the question. But like I said, I'm back. I remember writing about the end of 2006 and the entry of 2007, and thought it would be appropriate to do the same for this new year. I hope this tribute to 2007 finds you well.
One year ago, on January 5, 2007, I wrote that I was incredibly excited for the year 2007. I expected it to be amazing. I was ready for my best year. If God had given me a glimpse into 2007, I probably would have never written such things.
All in all, this year was incredibly difficult. It was filled with conflict, most of which was internal. I therefore have nothing to show for it. No battle scar, no miraculous story, no beautiful piece of work that I labored over. To top it off, I am still in the meat of the conflict. And so there is no list of things I've learned, or how I have grown, no clear summary of the realizations I have come to through my thoughts. No epiphanies, no revelations, no enlightening. Nothing to show for my efforts. All I can show you is a girl humbled by her weaknesses. A girl who knows she has a long way to go.
So then, what do I say about 2007? While I didn't like it, it was a very necessary year. During this year, I have realized that I am that person that I don't want to be. At the risk of sounding immature, this year I clearly saw my ability to harm, to hurt, to not help. Doing none of these things intentionally, but instinctively, reactively, ignorantly. This year my weaknesses rang loud and clear, and my strengths seemed to disappear. And these realizations, these discoveries, whatever you want to call them, are necessary so that I may become the person that I want to be, and the person that God wants me to be.
So to 2007, I say goodbye. I will not miss you, but I will hopefully be grateful for you.
And what of 2008? I have hope for this next year, a hope that is more mature than the hope I had for 2007. A hope that is not so deterred by bad days and puffed up by good ones. This is a hope that trusts in God's grace and sovereignty.
Hopeful 2008!
Sunday, September 16, 2007
i'm sitting on a couch in a cafe
and i am reading the international news.
Many of the headlines (too many) start with "so and so killed by such and such;" a plane crash in Thailand, a bomb in Algeria, a bus crash in Mexico, a hurricane in Nicaragua, the continuing struggle in Darfur, the war in Iraq... Death is everywhere, and I sit comfortably on a couch at a cafe, sipping a caramel latte.
Do you think our lives would be different if the tragedies in this world were closer to home? Do you think we would live differently if we had friends that lived in Sudan? What would we do if we had a friend who was dying of a curable disease? What would our lives be like if our family was sick because of the dirty water?
I think our priorities would change. I think we would forget about trying to catch our favorite tv show, trying to keep up with fashion, trying to get all of our errands done and find some time to rest. I think we wouldn't be worried about anything except helping our friend.
A year ago I stayed in Balic Balic, Manilla, in the Philippines. I lived next to a slum by the railroad tracks. I spent time with the men and women that lived there. I ate with them, I went grocery shopping with them, I worshipped God with them. I experienced a typhoon with them, as we saw their tin roofs blow away. They let me come into their world for 3 weeks. They welcomed me in as a friend and as a member of their family. I called my host "Nanay,"
which is Tagalog for mother.
And now their world is being demolished. The railroad company is expanding and renovating, so the slum, the informal housing, the homes that are only feet away from the tracks, have to be demolished. Most of these people have no where to go. The government is offering housing, but it is away from the city and away from the jobs.
This is my family. I don't know them well, and we don't have the same blood, but that doesn't really matter. I was welcomed into their world. My heart fell in love with them. And now as I sit on a couch in a cafe, my family is wondering when they will wake up to someone telling them that they have to leave, telling them that their home will be demolished that very day.
If our neighborhood was scheduled to be demolished, would we live our lives differently? If our family was losing their home, would our priorities be different?
Please join me in praying for those who are losing their homes, for those who are losing family members, and for those who are directly affected by the headlines we read in the news.
Please join me in reconsidering our day to day priorities. Who are our friends? Who is part of our family? Do we have to be related to them? Do we have to have a conversation with them? Do we have to know them before we can be moved to help them? I don't think so.
Many of the headlines (too many) start with "so and so killed by such and such;" a plane crash in Thailand, a bomb in Algeria, a bus crash in Mexico, a hurricane in Nicaragua, the continuing struggle in Darfur, the war in Iraq... Death is everywhere, and I sit comfortably on a couch at a cafe, sipping a caramel latte.
Do you think our lives would be different if the tragedies in this world were closer to home? Do you think we would live differently if we had friends that lived in Sudan? What would we do if we had a friend who was dying of a curable disease? What would our lives be like if our family was sick because of the dirty water?
I think our priorities would change. I think we would forget about trying to catch our favorite tv show, trying to keep up with fashion, trying to get all of our errands done and find some time to rest. I think we wouldn't be worried about anything except helping our friend.
A year ago I stayed in Balic Balic, Manilla, in the Philippines. I lived next to a slum by the railroad tracks. I spent time with the men and women that lived there. I ate with them, I went grocery shopping with them, I worshipped God with them. I experienced a typhoon with them, as we saw their tin roofs blow away. They let me come into their world for 3 weeks. They welcomed me in as a friend and as a member of their family. I called my host "Nanay,"
which is Tagalog for mother.
And now their world is being demolished. The railroad company is expanding and renovating, so the slum, the informal housing, the homes that are only feet away from the tracks, have to be demolished. Most of these people have no where to go. The government is offering housing, but it is away from the city and away from the jobs.
This is my family. I don't know them well, and we don't have the same blood, but that doesn't really matter. I was welcomed into their world. My heart fell in love with them. And now as I sit on a couch in a cafe, my family is wondering when they will wake up to someone telling them that they have to leave, telling them that their home will be demolished that very day.
If our neighborhood was scheduled to be demolished, would we live our lives differently? If our family was losing their home, would our priorities be different?
Please join me in praying for those who are losing their homes, for those who are losing family members, and for those who are directly affected by the headlines we read in the news.
Please join me in reconsidering our day to day priorities. Who are our friends? Who is part of our family? Do we have to be related to them? Do we have to have a conversation with them? Do we have to know them before we can be moved to help them? I don't think so.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row, it seems farther than ever before...
I have been listening to a lot of Death Cab for Cutie recently. Not a lot of songs, but a few songs over and over and over again. One song in particular is Death Cab's Transatlanticism. I have to admit that I have recently fallen in love with this song. Deeply in love. And I believe I have fallen so hard because it expresses something that I feel deep within my soul.
My life has been somewhat discombobulated, and this past year (starting around December '06) I've been slowly but surely going through the process of re-combobulating - if there is such a thing. I could probably go into a lot of detail about that, and hopefully will expand on my combobulations in later posts, but for now I'm going to keep it simple.
The point is I've been trying to bring my life together. I've been trying to find a focus point, a backbone, a rhythm, a sort of sanity or consistency between the roles of my life. My life is not complicated compared to most, but it felt and still feels broken, incomplete and at times contradicting. I believe these diagnoses are typical and true for most people, but I have finally gotten to a point where I long to be completed, centered, and healed - a process which could very well take the rest of my life and never finish. Fortunately, I knew exactly where to begin the process: Jesus.
The only way to be complete is to be completed, and I have no doubt that the only way to be completed is through Jesus. So what does that mean for me? I have been a "Christian" most of my life, and I have dedicated my life to following Jesus for almost 10 years now, but I still feel incomplete. Realizing the tension of not yet being completed by my God that completes, it became clear to me that I had to dig deeper. And this is where Death Cab for Cutie comes in.
While listening to Transatlanticism, I became aware of the way I resonated with the tones of separation and distance. I completely understood the idea of an ocean spilling across the earth, and separating me from what I am longing for. And then came the chorus of "I need you so much closer, I need you so much closer, I need you so much closer..." I closed my eyes as I listened to this chorus, and this what I saw:
I saw a hand being offered to me.
I took it, and was guided into a world.
It was the exact same world that we live in.
I saw the courtyard of my apartment complex.
I saw my neighbors.
I saw the beauty of life,
and I saw the pain.
But this world was different.
It was complete.
It was more real, more solid, more beautiful.
The colors were piercingly radiant.
Pain was still there, but it didn't matter.
The pain had purpose, and there was a clear end.
Contentment could be felt simply by breathing.
And everyone's eyes shined with hope.
This is what I saw when thinking to myself, "I need you so much closer." What I saw was my life with God present. I saw His kingdom reigning in my world. I saw the life for which I am longing.
This is a hard picture to translate to reality, because I don't think I am actually going to see the world in different colors, but I finally understand what the end result of my re-combobulation will feel like. It will transform my perception of the world. And the only way that will happen is if I step into God's kingdom.
And now back to the title of this blog. I have no clue how to step in, and this kingdom seems very very far away, even farther than before. But I think that is a good thing. At least I'm on the right planet, and I finally understand that I need to start rowing. The realization that I have to start rowing is what makes this vision feel so far from reality. My whole life I've been happy on my little island, but now I clearly see where I need to be, and that place is somewhere else entirely.
Seeing as this post is incredibly long and i've been sitting on this couch at this coffee shop for a very long time, I'll pause here, but expect more. If you have any thoughts or you want me to go more in depth on something specific, please post a comment!
My life has been somewhat discombobulated, and this past year (starting around December '06) I've been slowly but surely going through the process of re-combobulating - if there is such a thing. I could probably go into a lot of detail about that, and hopefully will expand on my combobulations in later posts, but for now I'm going to keep it simple.
The point is I've been trying to bring my life together. I've been trying to find a focus point, a backbone, a rhythm, a sort of sanity or consistency between the roles of my life. My life is not complicated compared to most, but it felt and still feels broken, incomplete and at times contradicting. I believe these diagnoses are typical and true for most people, but I have finally gotten to a point where I long to be completed, centered, and healed - a process which could very well take the rest of my life and never finish. Fortunately, I knew exactly where to begin the process: Jesus.
The only way to be complete is to be completed, and I have no doubt that the only way to be completed is through Jesus. So what does that mean for me? I have been a "Christian" most of my life, and I have dedicated my life to following Jesus for almost 10 years now, but I still feel incomplete. Realizing the tension of not yet being completed by my God that completes, it became clear to me that I had to dig deeper. And this is where Death Cab for Cutie comes in.
While listening to Transatlanticism, I became aware of the way I resonated with the tones of separation and distance. I completely understood the idea of an ocean spilling across the earth, and separating me from what I am longing for. And then came the chorus of "I need you so much closer, I need you so much closer, I need you so much closer..." I closed my eyes as I listened to this chorus, and this what I saw:
I saw a hand being offered to me.
I took it, and was guided into a world.
It was the exact same world that we live in.
I saw the courtyard of my apartment complex.
I saw my neighbors.
I saw the beauty of life,
and I saw the pain.
But this world was different.
It was complete.
It was more real, more solid, more beautiful.
The colors were piercingly radiant.
Pain was still there, but it didn't matter.
The pain had purpose, and there was a clear end.
Contentment could be felt simply by breathing.
And everyone's eyes shined with hope.
This is what I saw when thinking to myself, "I need you so much closer." What I saw was my life with God present. I saw His kingdom reigning in my world. I saw the life for which I am longing.
This is a hard picture to translate to reality, because I don't think I am actually going to see the world in different colors, but I finally understand what the end result of my re-combobulation will feel like. It will transform my perception of the world. And the only way that will happen is if I step into God's kingdom.
And now back to the title of this blog. I have no clue how to step in, and this kingdom seems very very far away, even farther than before. But I think that is a good thing. At least I'm on the right planet, and I finally understand that I need to start rowing. The realization that I have to start rowing is what makes this vision feel so far from reality. My whole life I've been happy on my little island, but now I clearly see where I need to be, and that place is somewhere else entirely.
Seeing as this post is incredibly long and i've been sitting on this couch at this coffee shop for a very long time, I'll pause here, but expect more. If you have any thoughts or you want me to go more in depth on something specific, please post a comment!
Sunday, August 12, 2007
i am moving out of my closet.
I have very good news for you: I have finally purchased a laptop.
You might be asking yourself, "Why is she saying this is good news for me?"
Well never fear, Beth is here, and she isn't in her closet anymore. For the last 10 months, my computer has been in the washer/dryer closet. We don't own a washer or dryer, and my desk just happened to fit perfectly in the empty space. It seemed like a great idea at first (it was my brilliant idea), but alas, it was a HORRIBLE idea. Sitting in that closet is worse than sitting in a cubicle.
To top it off, my desk top was the slowest desktop on earth. Want to see how many emails you have? Well you better have several minutes to open the window. Want to run two applications at once? Don't hold your breath. Needless to say, I didn't like using my computer at home after using a speedy computer in a comfortable cubicle for 8 hours at work.
Still don't get why this is good news for you?
Its really simple.
No slow computer+no closet cubicle+true high-speed internet+the comfort of writing my blogs anywhere I want=more blogs.
Enjoy! :)
You might be asking yourself, "Why is she saying this is good news for me?"
Well never fear, Beth is here, and she isn't in her closet anymore. For the last 10 months, my computer has been in the washer/dryer closet. We don't own a washer or dryer, and my desk just happened to fit perfectly in the empty space. It seemed like a great idea at first (it was my brilliant idea), but alas, it was a HORRIBLE idea. Sitting in that closet is worse than sitting in a cubicle.
To top it off, my desk top was the slowest desktop on earth. Want to see how many emails you have? Well you better have several minutes to open the window. Want to run two applications at once? Don't hold your breath. Needless to say, I didn't like using my computer at home after using a speedy computer in a comfortable cubicle for 8 hours at work.
Still don't get why this is good news for you?
Its really simple.
No slow computer+no closet cubicle+true high-speed internet+the comfort of writing my blogs anywhere I want=more blogs.
Enjoy! :)
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