February

So if you didn't notice, I didn't write much in February. And I know some of you are dying to know what happened while I was gone, so here it is.


A lot happened in February, and the funny part is that I can't talk about a majority of it because of confidentiality laws and simple respect for a family's privacy. But I can talk about what I learned - and what I am still learning - from my experience.

I need Jesus.

I've always known that I need Jesus. My life has always been better when He is in it, when I bring Him into my life, but I realized this need in a new way, or maybe a way I once new but completely forgot.

I have always turned to Jesus for joy. If I'm sad, depressed, angry, upset, sick, tired, neutral, or even happy or content, I turn to Jesus to bring me true joy or to make it complete. I thank Him, I praise Him, I love Him. And this, I think, is great. Receiving joy from my relationship with Jesus has been a huge part of my life that I am very greatful for.

But many times, maybe more often then I would like to admit, there is a time to mourn.

I ran into one of these times of mourning and sadness when the *event that I can't talk about* began to unfold.

And I almost ran right past it.

I'd get up, complain about being tired, eat breakfast, go to work, realize again how great work is, read or walk during my lunch break, work some more, try to be more helpful in the office and grow friendships with my coworkers, go to the gym, listen to my music, eat a big dinner, relax a bit, laugh some, read the news, maybe read some more of my book, or watch some LOST, maybe pray with my roommates, then go to bed with the hope that I would be rested enough for the next day.

It was always when I went to bed that I would realize that I hadn't taken the time to think about the family that was struggling. I hadn't taken time to let their situation affect me, upset me, move me. I hadn't felt love for them in the way that I thought I loved them.

This lasted maybe two or three days, and then I sunk like a rock. I'm still not quite sure what happened, but a lot of things came tumbling down. While realizing that I couldn't feel pain for the family, I realized a lot of pain within myself. The worst of it was that nothing horrible had happened. The family, while going through hard times, was still relatively okay - everyone was alive and as healthy as they were when I met them. My life was going really well too. I spent a lot of quality time with my friends, I had a really good review at work, my family was doing well, and life was "good" according to any outsider's perspective. I thought that I should be content, able to love and pray for the family with the hope that it would get better. Instead, I was a mess.

And this is when I realized I needed Jesus. If I was going to try and mourn and grieve, and feel the pain of suffering all by myself, I was going to die.

I am way too mortal to carry such a heavy burden.

Finding myself completely depressed, I started praying longer and harder than I have in a long time. I don't think I said much. I just asked Jesus to help me. Sometimes I would tell Him that this grief was too difficult. Sometimes I would decide that it wasn't worth the effort. The weight of the package wasn't worth what was inside. I would think about what it would be like if I stopped trying to follow this god that was allowing me to cry so much.

I probably wouldn't cry as much...

But I wouldn't be content as often either...


And then I made it to the other side. I decided to stick it through with Jesus, and the weight/wait was worth it. The last time I had felt that depressed, I tried to ride it out without God's help and it took me about 6 months. This time took me about 3 weeks. I have also been able to better express my love for the family and for others. I have been able to pray more deeply, to love more unconditionally, and to be sad and upset without being depressed and unhelpful. Of course, I have a long way to go and a lot of ways to improve, but its a start.

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And now I am to the part that I am still learning.

I guess I am learning how to be aware of when it is time to mourn, when it is time to celebrate, and when it is time to be somewhere in the middle, and how my relationship with Jesus fits into ALL of that. It's a really basic idea, but it is easy to forget.

My friend Aaron (hi aaron!) gave me a fresh perspective on joy and sorrow when he described to me two types of people:

There are those who see sadness as genuine. Wanting to be genuine, they look for sadness. I guess you could call them pessimists. Even when something is going well, they find something wrong with it. They might say something like "It could be better if this weren't like that."

There are those who see happiness as genuine. Wanting to be genuine, they look for happiness. Optimists. Even when something goes wrong, they say "Well at least its okay because this is like that."

They are both trying to have a true, clear perspective on life, but half the time they are running right past it. Neither of those people are grasping the fullness of life; the life that, according to my experience in February, God wants us to have.