an easter reflection

Now that I have spent a good 30 minutes trying to come up with the words to correctly express my reflections of this Easter, and now that I have hit the delete and backspace keys several, several times... I have found that I have no words that can accurately present to you my feelings of awe, amazement, grief, confusion, anger, gratefulness, and joy when I think of Jesus at Easter.

More than ever, I feel as though I helped place him on that cross. I feel as if I took a nail and drove it into His feet, or spat at him as he walked toward his death. More than ever this past year, I have struggled to follow Jesus. There have been times this year where I simply didn't want to follow him. I didn't doubt his existence, I was just tired and wanted out. I wished that I didn't know him, that I didn't know his words, and that I didn't know what he was asking of me. I didn't want to give him my life. I put him on the cross.

And now, more than ever, I desperately long for Jesus. I had hated him, but he loved me. I left him there, suffering, bleeding, dying. But he forgave me. I had NO CLUE what I was doing, but that didn't matter. He died for me. And on that glorious day we call Easter, He came back for me.

The funny thing is I struggled to follow Jesus because I stubbornly didn't want to give up any part of my life that I liked. He could have the stuff I didn't like, but otherwise I didn't want to change. I didn't want to feel convicted. I was willing to follow Jesus as long as I could also do whatever I wanted. I didn't want to sacrifice any part of my life to follow him. Hmm... I didn't want to give my life to him, even though he already gave his life to me.

So I stand in humility, and I stand in awe. I am humbled by Jesus' persistant and abundant love. I am in awe of his willingness to die for those who don't even know they are killing him. And I am grateful. More than ever, I am grateful for that day 2000 years ago when Jesus proved that nothing, not even the pain of death, could keep him away.