i'm sitting on a couch in a cafe

and i am reading the international news.

Many of the headlines (too many) start with "so and so killed by such and such;" a plane crash in Thailand, a bomb in Algeria, a bus crash in Mexico, a hurricane in Nicaragua, the continuing struggle in Darfur, the war in Iraq... Death is everywhere, and I sit comfortably on a couch at a cafe, sipping a caramel latte.

Do you think our lives would be different if the tragedies in this world were closer to home? Do you think we would live differently if we had friends that lived in Sudan? What would we do if we had a friend who was dying of a curable disease? What would our lives be like if our family was sick because of the dirty water?

I think our priorities would change. I think we would forget about trying to catch our favorite tv show, trying to keep up with fashion, trying to get all of our errands done and find some time to rest. I think we wouldn't be worried about anything except helping our friend.

A year ago I stayed in Balic Balic, Manilla, in the Philippines. I lived next to a slum by the railroad tracks. I spent time with the men and women that lived there. I ate with them, I went grocery shopping with them, I worshipped God with them. I experienced a typhoon with them, as we saw their tin roofs blow away. They let me come into their world for 3 weeks. They welcomed me in as a friend and as a member of their family. I called my host "Nanay,"
which is Tagalog for mother.

And now their world is being demolished. The railroad company is expanding and renovating, so the slum, the informal housing, the homes that are only feet away from the tracks, have to be demolished. Most of these people have no where to go. The government is offering housing, but it is away from the city and away from the jobs.

This is my family. I don't know them well, and we don't have the same blood, but that doesn't really matter. I was welcomed into their world. My heart fell in love with them. And now as I sit on a couch in a cafe, my family is wondering when they will wake up to someone telling them that they have to leave, telling them that their home will be demolished that very day.

If our neighborhood was scheduled to be demolished, would we live our lives differently? If our family was losing their home, would our priorities be different?

Please join me in praying for those who are losing their homes, for those who are losing family members, and for those who are directly affected by the headlines we read in the news.

Please join me in reconsidering our day to day priorities. Who are our friends? Who is part of our family? Do we have to be related to them? Do we have to have a conversation with them? Do we have to know them before we can be moved to help them? I don't think so.

The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row, it seems farther than ever before...

I have been listening to a lot of Death Cab for Cutie recently. Not a lot of songs, but a few songs over and over and over again. One song in particular is Death Cab's Transatlanticism. I have to admit that I have recently fallen in love with this song. Deeply in love. And I believe I have fallen so hard because it expresses something that I feel deep within my soul.

My life has been somewhat discombobulated, and this past year (starting around December '06) I've been slowly but surely going through the process of re-combobulating - if there is such a thing. I could probably go into a lot of detail about that, and hopefully will expand on my combobulations in later posts, but for now I'm going to keep it simple.

The point is I've been trying to bring my life together. I've been trying to find a focus point, a backbone, a rhythm, a sort of sanity or consistency between the roles of my life. My life is not complicated compared to most, but it felt and still feels broken, incomplete and at times contradicting. I believe these diagnoses are typical and true for most people, but I have finally gotten to a point where I long to be completed, centered, and healed - a process which could very well take the rest of my life and never finish. Fortunately, I knew exactly where to begin the process: Jesus.

The only way to be complete is to be completed, and I have no doubt that the only way to be completed is through Jesus. So what does that mean for me? I have been a "Christian" most of my life, and I have dedicated my life to following Jesus for almost 10 years now, but I still feel incomplete. Realizing the tension of not yet being completed by my God that completes, it became clear to me that I had to dig deeper. And this is where Death Cab for Cutie comes in.

While listening to Transatlanticism, I became aware of the way I resonated with the tones of separation and distance. I completely understood the idea of an ocean spilling across the earth, and separating me from what I am longing for. And then came the chorus of "I need you so much closer, I need you so much closer, I need you so much closer..." I closed my eyes as I listened to this chorus, and this what I saw:

I saw a hand being offered to me.
I took it, and was guided into a world.
It was the exact same world that we live in.
I saw the courtyard of my apartment complex.
I saw my neighbors.
I saw the beauty of life,
and I saw the pain.

But this world was different.
It was complete.
It was more real, more solid, more beautiful.
The colors were piercingly radiant.
Pain was still there, but it didn't matter.
The pain had purpose, and there was a clear end.
Contentment could be felt simply by breathing.
And everyone's eyes shined with hope.

This is what I saw when thinking to myself, "I need you so much closer." What I saw was my life with God present. I saw His kingdom reigning in my world. I saw the life for which I am longing.

This is a hard picture to translate to reality, because I don't think I am actually going to see the world in different colors, but I finally understand what the end result of my re-combobulation will feel like. It will transform my perception of the world. And the only way that will happen is if I step into God's kingdom.

And now back to the title of this blog. I have no clue how to step in, and this kingdom seems very very far away, even farther than before. But I think that is a good thing. At least I'm on the right planet, and I finally understand that I need to start rowing. The realization that I have to start rowing is what makes this vision feel so far from reality. My whole life I've been happy on my little island, but now I clearly see where I need to be, and that place is somewhere else entirely.

Seeing as this post is incredibly long and i've been sitting on this couch at this coffee shop for a very long time, I'll pause here, but expect more. If you have any thoughts or you want me to go more in depth on something specific, please post a comment!

i am moving out of my closet.

I have very good news for you: I have finally purchased a laptop.

You might be asking yourself, "Why is she saying this is good news for me?"

Well never fear, Beth is here, and she isn't in her closet anymore. For the last 10 months, my computer has been in the washer/dryer closet. We don't own a washer or dryer, and my desk just happened to fit perfectly in the empty space. It seemed like a great idea at first (it was my brilliant idea), but alas, it was a HORRIBLE idea. Sitting in that closet is worse than sitting in a cubicle.

To top it off, my desk top was the slowest desktop on earth. Want to see how many emails you have? Well you better have several minutes to open the window. Want to run two applications at once? Don't hold your breath. Needless to say, I didn't like using my computer at home after using a speedy computer in a comfortable cubicle for 8 hours at work.

Still don't get why this is good news for you?

Its really simple.

No slow computer+no closet cubicle+true high-speed internet+the comfort of writing my blogs anywhere I want=more blogs.

Enjoy! :)

If I could do anything in the world...

I would fix it.

I would ensure that everyone in the world had physical and spiritual water.

I would play the guitar and the saxophone every day.

I would create a transitional housing program, offering job training, networking, counseling, and Jesus.

I would swing dance and salsa every week.

I would help create higher efficiency, integrity and integration within and between nonprofit organizations (especially within water resource organizations).

I would live on a boat for at least a summer.

I would live in Africa.

I would go on a retreat by myself for a week.

If I could do anything, I would be involved in a movement where living simply, sharing resources, and loving even strangers would be “cool.” Not the celebrity “cool,” but the God-fearing, Jesus-loving, fall-on-your-knees-and-give-with-humility-because-you-
don’t-need-anything-but-the-Father’s-shalom, grace-and-love kind of “cool.”

I would open and run a coffee shop.

I would finally fix my skateboard...

I would surf every morning.

I would travel to all the nations, meet all the tribes, experience all the cultures, and learn all the languages (or at least Spanish, French, and German).


What would you do?

a july post.

the only one.


Sorry for the absence this month. Just wanted to let you know that I am still alive and will be posting later this week.

Hang in there and have a great Tuesday!


peace,
b :)

Blue Planet Run

18 days ago, twenty people from all over the globe started a very long run...15,200 miles around the world.

The Blue Planet Run is a run with a message: "we can and must begin today to alleviate the catastrophic burden placed on over a billion people who, every day, must drink unsafe local water, or travel long distances on foot to search for safe water for themselves and their families."

The Blue Planet Run Foundation has funded 11 NGOs, supporting them as they implement water projects all over the world. From what I know of it, I like this foundation. (They help bring water to people who need it - how could I not like them?)

This run around the world is very intriguing to me. Its seems like a very long, hard, and inefficient way to raise awareness and money, but I could be wrong. In any case, this is cool.

Check out the website and see when they will be running through your town.

Just as a heads-up, here is a summary of the rest of their running schedule:

Belarus: now through June 25th,
Russia: June 26-July 19,
Mongolia: July 20-23,
China: July 25-28,
Japan: July 28-1,
USA: August 1 - 26,
--California: August 1- 6
----Los Angeles is August 5th, (anyone want to spectate with me?)
Canada: August 26-28
USA: August 28 - September 4

Her Name is Anger

She stops.



She won't go another step.



She throws herself backward onto the floor.



Her face becomes red with anger,
her eyes watery with fierce passion.




She begins to scream.





She kicks the floor with her heals,
feeling the impact's vibration
in her toes, her shins, her knees, her spine.

Gripping her hands tighter,
her nails dig into her palms.
She beats the floor with the edge of her fists.

Kicking,
punching,
writhing on the floor,
she dreams of shaking the world.
She dreams of waking it up,
opening its eyes,
making it see.
See its flaws,
its imperfections,
its injustice.

Screaming,
crying,
losing her voice,
she wishes that the world would listen.
She wishes it had ears
to hear
the pain,
the sorrow,
the suffering.

She longs for wings to fly away.
If only pumping her legs and flailing her arms
would cause the wings in her soul to burst through her skin.


Then she could fly away.

waiting = not doing anything.

I was minding my own business one day when John Mayer's "Waiting on the World to Change" came on the radio.

I know this song has been out for a while, but I finally just recently listened to the words:

me and all my friends
we're all misunderstood
they say we stand for nothing and
there's no way we ever could

now we see everything that's going wrong
with the world and those who lead it
we just feel like we don't have the means
to rise above and beat it

so we keep waiting
waiting on the world to change
we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change

it's hard to beat the system
when we're standing at a distance
so we keep waiting
waiting on the world to change

now if we had the power
to bring our neighbors home from war
they would have never missed a Christmas
no more ribbons on their door
and when you trust your television
what you get is what you got
cause when they own the information, oh
they can bend it all they want

that's why we're waiting
waiting on the world to change
we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change

it's not that we don't care,
we just know that the fight ain't fair
so we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change
and we're still waiting
waiting on the world to change
we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change

one day our generation
is gonna rule the population
so we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change


I have a lot I could say about these lyrics and the video, but I'm going to keep it short.

Yes, this world has some big problems.
Yes, most of us do not have the ability or means to tackle many of the problems.
Yes, waiting is a HORRIBLE idea.
Yes, I like grafiti art (see video), but...
No. No no no no no. Posting the word "THINK" on a billboard is not going to cause someone to stop and think about how they can change the world.
Even if they stopped to "think", they wouldn't think about how they should wait for the world to change. They would think about what they could do to change the world.

I'm commenting on this song because I'm afraid that John Mayer's words actually sound like a good idea to many people who hear it. Truth be told, the first time I heard it I was glad to hear a song that focuses on the fact that the world needs to change. It isn't your typical, "I love her," "I hate life," "he's a slime-ball" song. Mayer's song feels fresh, different, and to many it might even sound meaningful. But there is a huge problem with his message.

If we all wait, nothing will change. At least nothing will change for the better. Maybe we can't fly to the middle east and end the war, the suicide bombings, the hunger, the murder, the death. But we can help our neighbors, we can mentor children, we can get involved in communities, we can support non-profits that are feeding the hungry, giving medical care to the sick, and helping people get on their feet. We can be kind to the environment. We can pray.

You don't have to be a doctor, politician, lawyer, movie star, or millionaire to change the world. You just have to stop waiting for a better doctor, politicain, lawyer... and start doing something.

anything. help an old lady walk across the street if you can't think of anything else.

Hidden in Pasadena

When most people think of Pasadena, they think of Old Town, Paseo Colorado, parks, trees, coffee shops, bars, restaurants, stores, the Rose Parade... good old, fun, cute, south-of-the-210-freeway Pasadena.

Most people wouldn't even know that in the past month, there have been 4 gang-on-gang shootings. Most people wouldn't know that a teenage boy died in one of those shootings. Most people wouldn't know that I often times fall asleep to the sound of a helicopter flying around our blocks, patrolling the area or responding to a call.

Why do people not know this part of Pasadena, the part north of the 210 freeway, the part that we lovingly call North-West Pasadena? Because the city is really good at keeping secrets. Like any normal booming city, they want to continue booming, they want people to continue to move in. Thus they keep their secret hidden. It's working too. I know of several people that are moving here this summer. I was talking to one of them, telling him where the more affordable apartments were, and warning him that these places were more run down and in more dangerous areas. He literally laughed and said, "What?! Dangerous?! In cute little Pasadena?"

Not only does Pasadena keep people from hearing about the crime and violence, the city also keeps them from seeing it with the magic of one-way streets. These one-way streets are incredibly inconvenient, so along with everyone else, I never use them. As it turns out, these one-way roads are home to some of the most run-down residential areas in north-west Pasadena. No one drives through there, because its too much of a maze, and so no one sees it. In fact there is about a 3 by 5 block area that only residents and their visitors ever drive through.

And so they remain hidden. Fortunately for me, Pasadena can't completely hide their wound. Contrary to most, my housemates and I moved here because of Pasadena's little secret. And I love it here. I love my neighbors, I love my little run-down home (most of the time), I love that it never gets boring, and I hate that the lives of the people I have grown to love have been buried by secrets.

Spiderman 3

Don't see it.

It could have been great. The themes of love, integrity, choice, adventure, could have been gripping. But they weren't. So don't see it.

The only reason why I stayed awake was because of the special effects. If I had been watching that movie on tv, I would have either been distracted with the dishes or fallen asleep. So don't rent it either.

What a waste of potential. and money.

The best part of seeing that movie was traveling with four of my wonderful friends around LA to 5 different theaters, trying to find a showing that wasn't sold out. Our little adventure around town would have made a better movie. There was music, singing, comedy, drama, pizza and beer, dissappointment (thanks to spiderman), and true friendship. Brilliant.

Happy Mother's Day

Dear Mom,

I admire you, I love you, and I am proud to be your daughter.

I am a little hesitant to write you this letter because I'm afraid I won't be able to adequately express how much I love you and how amazing you are, but I'm going to give it a shot.

I admire you. You have had an extremely hard life. You have endured experiences that I hope to never encounter. I think about the parts of your life that you have allowed me to see and hear, and then I look at you with amazement. You have weathered the storm well, coming through it not beaten and weak, but strong and beautiful. You continue to live with a joy that is child-like, like a child who has not felt the pain of loss, dissapointment, and suffering, and who lives with a pure hope and excitement for the future.

I love you. The older I get, the more I see you in me, and the more I understand you. The more I understand you, the more I love you. I love your smile, I love that you love to talk about absolutely everything, I love it when you get excited about the little things, I love how you are easily moved by the pain and joy of others. I love that you are goofy. I love your stubborness and that your own stubborness pushes you to be willing and flexible. It pushes you to do things like move to a state where nothing is familiar because you are determined to love your husband well. I love your love for life, for others, and for Jesus.

I am happy and proud to be your daughter. You have taught me how to be teachable. I don't even know if you see it, but even while you are extremely stubborn, you are extremely teachable. Maybe its because you are determined to grow. I have seen you learn and grow incredibly in the last 10 years, and your growth has been a great example for me.

You have taught me how to smile. I remember when I was a kid, I would hear people talk about you and your beautiful smile. And now whenever someone comments on my frequent smile, I think of you and I smile some more.

You have taught me how to be transparent. You wear your heart on your sleeve, and allow people into the depths of your world. You invite them in and you ask them to stay around for a while. That is an amazing gift. I am so happy to be a part of your world, and I hope to be as transparent as you and to welcome people into my world as you have welcomed me into yours.

Gee, a tear just ran down my cheek.

Like I said before, the older I get the more of you I see in me. And I am happy for it. Don't worry, I'm not ignorant... I'm all grown up and I know you have flaws. I see your flaws in me too. But if inheriting your flaws means that I get to inherit your beauty, your gifts, and your blessings, then I am glad to have the whole package. I am glad to be a part of your life, and I feel blessed to be like you.

Thanks for being amazing. I love you mom.

Happy Mother's Day :)

Water for People

One of the things about my job that I am most grateful for is my introduction to the non-profit organization, Water for People.

I talk a little bit about the organization at the end of this post. There is a lot of wonderful things I can write about Water for People, but for your sake and mine I'll keep it short.

My top 3 favorite things about Water for People:

1) They have found that the best way to help a village is to empower the people to take care of themselves.

2) 82 to 85% of all funds go directly to the projects. That is an amazingly HUGE percentage. Some non-profits lose 80% in administration and have only 15 to 20% left for the projects.

3) They don't have a cookie-cutter solution. They go to the town, find out what they need, find out what they want, find out what they have, and then create a solution that will fit best. If the town just needs a bucket, then they give the people a bucket and help them plan financially for the next time they need a bucket. brilliant.

Carollo Engineers (the company I work for) supports Water for People by fundraising during the month of May. Carollo has several offices throughout the country that participate in this fundraiser. Because God knew I would love it, I somehow became the point fundraiser person for in the Pasadena office. Let me tell you, I had NO CLUE how much I love fundraising. We've made t-shirts, sold cookies, given presentations... and it has been a blast. We're even raising money! :)

And now to the point of this post.

We are having a Happy Hour in Pasadena to support Water for People. Spread the word.

The purpose of the happy hour is to raise awareness and to raise more funds. The party will be at Bar Celona, who has offered to donate 15% of the revenue from the happy hour to Water for People. There will be a raffle, where all gifts have been donated and all the money raised will go to Water for People. There will also be a mix of people, from college, engineering companies, the Pasadena Fire Department, random people I have met while fundraising, hopefully complete strangers that I didn't even invite...

So if you are in the area, or if you know someone in the area, or if you can get to the area, please join us at the happy hour! The more the marrier!

Here are the details:

Who? Carollo Engineers, Water for People, Bar Celona and you :)
What? Happy Hour!
Where? Bar Celona: 46 E. Colorado Blvd, Pasadena CA 91105.
When? Wednesday, May 23rd, 5 - 7 pm
Why? To help Water for People get water to the people.
How? 15% of your purchases at Bar Celona will go to Water for People.

Please let me know if you can go, and please invite your friends! My hope for this event is that people will become more aware of the water crisis around the world and of the ways that Water for People is working to counter the problems, that we will raise money for the organization, and that we can meet other people in the area that are supporting the cause.

If you have any questions, please post them and I'll see what I can do to answer them.

Hi Mom!

I cut my hair 5 months ago, and my mom has been bugging me about sending her a picture. I finally have a couple and I figured I'd post them. Now you all know what I look like.

This is me and my fantabulous housemates.

We are on our way to a birthday party and salsa dancing. :)

Left to right: Erin, Preethi, me.

And this picture is for my mom.

Hi mom! This is my new (5 month old) hair cut!

Sorry it took me so long to post it!

An opportunity you don't want to miss

I have a confession to make. I watch American Idol. I have another confession to make. I was rooting for SanJaya.

So of course I have some thoughts about the "American Idol Gives Back" shows from last week.

First, I find the title ironic. Idol Gives Back. Heh.

Second, I have to say good job. Last I hear, over $60 million has been donated. That is a huge chunk of change that is going to people who really need it. That is $60 million more than there would have been, which is good news.

...But...

The entire situation bothers me. I couldn't help but notice the "hero" mentality that was on the show. It was as if people were "realizing" that rich americans could save the poor without much cost to themselves or their lifestyles. They were given a great opportunity to vote for their idol and simultaneously helped the world. How heroic. What really irks me is that Ryan Seacrest, when urging people to call and vote, said that this call "could be the most important call you ever make."

Pathetic. Over 70 million people voted, and only 60 million dollars were donated. More money would have been collected if everyone gave just one dollar. ONE DOLLAR.

wow. such an important call. i don't know about you, but i sure don't want to miss an opportunity to give away less than one dollar. it could be the most important thing i ever do...

All this to say: WE DO NOT HAVE TO WAIT FOR IDOL TO GIVE BACK. If we ALL gave ONE DOLLAR EVERY DAY, then we would have somethin' goin' on. One dollar every day is cheaper than most coffee addictions, soda addictions, gum addictions, inefficient gas guzzlers, etc. When you find a dollar on the street, you probably don't even get excited about it. Just imagine if those 70 million voters gave one dollar every day. That would add up to $2.1 billion in one month. $25.55 billion in one year. Now that is a big chunck of change.

And one more thing. Even $25.55 billion is not heroic. It is tragic. Among the wealthy of the world, $25.55 billion could be collected from spare change. Among the poor of the world, there is no change to spare. That bothers me. Giving is not heroic, it should be expected. We have too much and they have too little.

In conclusion, Idol giving back is a step in the right direction, but it is nothing compared to what could be. We have the opportunity to give back every single day. And that opportunity is something that way too many people are missing.

Gotta love it

Hey friends,

I was just reflecting on some random stuff that I have recently come to love, and I thought I would share. (this is not a comprehensive list, and it is in no particular order)

1) Yoga. Thanks to my wonderful friend and housemate, Erin, I have discovered the wonderfulness of yoga. After my manic mondays at work, I go to my yoga class and find myself in some awkward, but somehow amazing position. As I am trying to balance on one foot, or going a little closer to doing the splits, I totally forget about the busyness of life, I think about how funny the room of 30 or 40 of us must look, and I simply relax, meditate, and sometimes pray. Its amazing. Not only is it relaxing, but I'm more flexible and I have less back problems. Haha. That sounds like an advertisemnt. Oh well. What can I say? I like yoga.

2) Salsa dancing. Thanks to my wonderful friend Jen and her 23rd birthday, I got to go salsa dancing this weekend. AMAZING. First of all, I love dancing. Secondly, salsa has a beautiful rhythym that is easy to pick up and move to. Thirdly, I love dancing.

3) Fundraising for Water for People. It is currently my favorite part of my job, but it isn't even a part of my job. I am helping make t-shirts, plan a happy hour, do a bake sale, and I get to learn more about Water for People and meet a lot of interesting people in the process. (check out their link on the right). Going to be in Pasadena in May? You should come to the happy hour. I'll let you know when and where in a couple weeks.

4) Talking to the security guy in my office building. His name is Fred, and he is cool.

5) Playing my guitar. I don't know that many songs, but that's OK, I gotta start somewhere. Whenever I need to talk to God or vent or relax, but I don't know what to say or do, I just pull out the guitar and sing. Its wonderful. (I'm not sure my housemates think that, but they at least tolerate it. :))

6) Jesus. I guess I haven't just recently come to love Jesus. I've loved him for a long time. But my current love for him feels fresh, new, deeper, stronger, and closer to complete.

7) Driving with the window down and the music up. Again, I've loved these things for a long time, but I appreciate it more than ever now that I spend 40 hours every week in a quiet cubicle with no window. Thank God for windows and music.

8) Spending time with the neighborhood kids. They bring me back to reality. Even when they are fighting, not sharing, demanding attention, not eating all their food, asking for more candy, crying, etc., they help me remember what is important in life.

9) My beater 2-door, 1990 Honda Accord.

-Dents: 2.
-Stains: countless.
-Oil spilled in the trunk? Check.
-Almost broken lock on the driver-side door? Check.
-Problems getting my key out of the ignition because of the broken Parking indicator? Very much Check.
-Can fit more people than there are seatbelts? Check.
-Missing transmission fluid dip stick? Fortunately, that is no longer a Check.
-My friends and often times carpool buddies, Erin and Preethi, have likened the process of getting out of the back of my car to emerging from the womb. Haha.
-Priceless memories? Check.

10) Reading the countless comments on my blog, which help me to know what people are thinking, what they disagree with, what they relate to, what else I should write about, how to improve my posts, and... oh wait. that doesn't happen. hmm... anyone out there? (hint hint, wink wink).

the real 10) Taking my grandpa on dates.


So great. so great. :)

an easter reflection

Now that I have spent a good 30 minutes trying to come up with the words to correctly express my reflections of this Easter, and now that I have hit the delete and backspace keys several, several times... I have found that I have no words that can accurately present to you my feelings of awe, amazement, grief, confusion, anger, gratefulness, and joy when I think of Jesus at Easter.

More than ever, I feel as though I helped place him on that cross. I feel as if I took a nail and drove it into His feet, or spat at him as he walked toward his death. More than ever this past year, I have struggled to follow Jesus. There have been times this year where I simply didn't want to follow him. I didn't doubt his existence, I was just tired and wanted out. I wished that I didn't know him, that I didn't know his words, and that I didn't know what he was asking of me. I didn't want to give him my life. I put him on the cross.

And now, more than ever, I desperately long for Jesus. I had hated him, but he loved me. I left him there, suffering, bleeding, dying. But he forgave me. I had NO CLUE what I was doing, but that didn't matter. He died for me. And on that glorious day we call Easter, He came back for me.

The funny thing is I struggled to follow Jesus because I stubbornly didn't want to give up any part of my life that I liked. He could have the stuff I didn't like, but otherwise I didn't want to change. I didn't want to feel convicted. I was willing to follow Jesus as long as I could also do whatever I wanted. I didn't want to sacrifice any part of my life to follow him. Hmm... I didn't want to give my life to him, even though he already gave his life to me.

So I stand in humility, and I stand in awe. I am humbled by Jesus' persistant and abundant love. I am in awe of his willingness to die for those who don't even know they are killing him. And I am grateful. More than ever, I am grateful for that day 2000 years ago when Jesus proved that nothing, not even the pain of death, could keep him away.

An empire full of thirsty people

Today I met a man who is trying to create an empire.

He doesn't really care how it happens. He just wants his empire and his crown. If you catch him doing something helpful for a neighbor, he will say, "Don't think that this helpful act is a 'good samaritan thing', I just have to help them in order to help me."

Guess how he is making his little empire. Guess what he is using to gain his power, his authority, and his empire. Money? No. Fame? No way. Good looks? haha, you must be joking. Water? Yes.

And why is water the key to his kingdom? Well like he said to me today, "Money is water and water is money." The more water he can get for his people, the more people that can come, the more money they can create, and thus the fruition of an empire. This plan makes perfect sense.
extra water = room for more people. people = work force. work force = more money. money = empire.

Under normal circumstances, there could very well be no harm in such a plan.

But there is. There are neighboring cities, neighboring empires - other people that need the water that is coming from the ground below them. So this man has to prove that he isn't draining the supply. He has to prove that he can take as much as he wants because there's enough for him and then still more for his neighbors. And he seems to be proving this by throwing around some numbers and test results and calling it good.

There is a man, let's call him Joe, who looks for water supplies from far away lands that he can bring to the local kingdoms. Joe is a good guy. Joe is trying to give all the people water. He doesn't want anyone to die of thirst. Joe thinks (and I have to say that I agree with Joe) that our empire hunter has bad numbers and no proof of this supposed "vast supply of water." Joe needs money to buy water from other places.

But money is expensive, so Mr. I-Want-To-Be-King has decided to keep Joe poor. He would like to buy Joe out, but he can't, so he is keeping Joe poor. He claims there is enough water and that Joe doesn't need any money.

It gets worse.

Empire Man knows deep down that the water will run out, so he is building wells that go deep down - 500 feet deeper than the wells of neighboring cities. This extra 500 ft will allow him to pump water even when his neighbors can no longer reach it. He will be able to pump the ground dry until there is nothing left, long after his rival kingdoms are dry.

And there you have it.

This hopeful king is promising a very attractive place with large, affordable homes, beautiful, well-watered parks, and a life with no parched lips. But he is running the land dry, draining its resources, and creating an empire full of thirsty people.

I think I met the devil today - promising life, but causing death, all because of his desire for a throne.

I just hope Joe wins.

My Grandma...

...is getting neck surgery tomorrow, Thursday the 5th, at noon.

After the surgery, she will have two screws in her neck, one screw in her skull, a neck brace, and a bald spot.

To top it off, she is planning on going on a motor-home rally a week later.

I love that about my grandma. I don't think it's a good idea to go on a trip after having screws drilled into her neck and head, but I have to admire her drive.

Did I tell you she went to Disneyland when she had a broken neck? Yeah, that's drive. ...or red-headed stubbornness.

Anyway, if you are into praying, or even if you aren't, please pray for my grandma. Please pray that the surgery will go smoothly and that she will heal quickly. Not only is she having surgery, but she is in the hospital through Easter and into Monday. My grandma doesn't like laying around and feeling stuck. She doesn't like people taking care of her. She wants to take care of other people. Please pray for patience. Please pray for my grandpa. He doesn't like cooking. He might starve while she is gone. haha. just kidding. But he could probably use some peace and patience himself.

Thanks for the help.

I love you, Nana. And I am praying for you.

Dear Dr. Dobson,

Do you want to focus on families?

Let us focus on them for a moment. Let us think about your children, your grandchildren, their children and grandchildren. Let us think about the world in which they will live in fifty and one-hundred years. Let us think about the world we are giving to your family, the world we are forcing your great-grandchildren to inherit.

Let us think about the families in New Orleans, Haiti, France in 2003, families experiencing floods, families experiencing drought, families living on the coast, families living in the desert. Let's take a minute to focus on them.

focus...

Should we do something about it? Should we care for these families? Should we consider their circumstances? Should we help them? Should we care about the world that we are destroying? The impact that our current actions could have on the environment that our future family will live in?

YES.
YES we should care.
And as a Christian I should be ANGRY about the way I, the church, and humanity have been completely irresponsible with the world we have been given. We have been poor stewards with the life God entrusted to us.

Dr. Dobson, I want you to know that I agree with this letter.
Maybe you should read this article.
Maybe you should focus on those families.
Maybe you should focus on all the families that are being affected by our inability to care about this world.

Well dang shoot, I think ALL the families are affected by this.
Hmmm, that's a problem, don't you think?


(and yes, I did just post two blogs in one day!)

Practical Justice

I've been reading some good books lately, and I recently thought to myself,

"Self, these books have been good. You have learned quite a bit from them. You have a lot of friends that would like them too. You should tell them about it."

So here it is. The beginning of my books-that-you-should-read list.

The first book on my list:

Practical Justice, by Kevin Blue.

Why should you read this book?

First of all,
Kevin Blue wrote it. He is the head honcho for the internship that I am doing with Servant Partners. He is an amazing man, and an important leader and mentor in my life. Want to know more about what I am doing? Read a book written by my mentor.

Secondly.
This book is very practical. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by the injustices occuring everywhere, all the time, next door, across the street, across town, in the city, in the country, in the world, etc. I want justice to be brought to the entire world. I want poverty to end. I want people to work with each other instead of against each other. And in my state of feeling too small in the midst of an extremely large problem, I find myself not knowing where to begin and thinking about giving up. Kevin Blue lays out some very practical ways to face injustice and kick it in the shin. He writes:

"There are plenty of issues, plenty of opportunities to work for justice, plenty of work to go around. We can't all do everything. The concerns are many, but we need not be overwhelmed by them. Rather, we should simply recongize that everyone cannot do everything but we should all be involved in addressing injustice."

three:
Kevin gives a very clear explanation of the call to Christians to live and fight for justice.

Jesus followers: It is a good word to read. I've heard, read, discussed, been convicted by, and changed my life because of the call to live justly. I've been there and done that. But this book brought me there again. Whether you don't understand how justice, Jesus, and your faith-life correlate, or you don't understand how people couldn't understand, this book is good for your soul.

Not a Christian?: This book is a good look into the part of Christianity that I know and love, and the part that I mournfully acknowledge is not well known or loved. You might find it interesting and completely different from the Christian religion you have seen. And of course, the call for justice is a call that does not discriminate, it is a call for everyone.

4th

There are some great words of wisdom throughout this book. One that stands out to me in particular is this:

"The most persistent temptation for those who seek to live a Christian life is simply to quit, because a real life of faith is difficult. It is painful. It is uncomfortable. There is real joy, peace and provision in following jesus - these and many other blessings are part of the journey. But the real Christian life encompasses sorrow. It is a life of losing life, of giving it away in sacrificial service like the Master. And in so doing, we find the life of God strengthening us, giving us the peace, joy, provision and purpose we long for."

V
i like this book. not too long. well written. worth my time. and worth yours too.



Thanks, Kevin Blue, for the sacrifices you have made. I can personally testify that your devotion to Jesus has been a blessing, encouragement, and help to my life and the lives of many, many others.

February

So if you didn't notice, I didn't write much in February. And I know some of you are dying to know what happened while I was gone, so here it is.


A lot happened in February, and the funny part is that I can't talk about a majority of it because of confidentiality laws and simple respect for a family's privacy. But I can talk about what I learned - and what I am still learning - from my experience.

I need Jesus.

I've always known that I need Jesus. My life has always been better when He is in it, when I bring Him into my life, but I realized this need in a new way, or maybe a way I once new but completely forgot.

I have always turned to Jesus for joy. If I'm sad, depressed, angry, upset, sick, tired, neutral, or even happy or content, I turn to Jesus to bring me true joy or to make it complete. I thank Him, I praise Him, I love Him. And this, I think, is great. Receiving joy from my relationship with Jesus has been a huge part of my life that I am very greatful for.

But many times, maybe more often then I would like to admit, there is a time to mourn.

I ran into one of these times of mourning and sadness when the *event that I can't talk about* began to unfold.

And I almost ran right past it.

I'd get up, complain about being tired, eat breakfast, go to work, realize again how great work is, read or walk during my lunch break, work some more, try to be more helpful in the office and grow friendships with my coworkers, go to the gym, listen to my music, eat a big dinner, relax a bit, laugh some, read the news, maybe read some more of my book, or watch some LOST, maybe pray with my roommates, then go to bed with the hope that I would be rested enough for the next day.

It was always when I went to bed that I would realize that I hadn't taken the time to think about the family that was struggling. I hadn't taken time to let their situation affect me, upset me, move me. I hadn't felt love for them in the way that I thought I loved them.

This lasted maybe two or three days, and then I sunk like a rock. I'm still not quite sure what happened, but a lot of things came tumbling down. While realizing that I couldn't feel pain for the family, I realized a lot of pain within myself. The worst of it was that nothing horrible had happened. The family, while going through hard times, was still relatively okay - everyone was alive and as healthy as they were when I met them. My life was going really well too. I spent a lot of quality time with my friends, I had a really good review at work, my family was doing well, and life was "good" according to any outsider's perspective. I thought that I should be content, able to love and pray for the family with the hope that it would get better. Instead, I was a mess.

And this is when I realized I needed Jesus. If I was going to try and mourn and grieve, and feel the pain of suffering all by myself, I was going to die.

I am way too mortal to carry such a heavy burden.

Finding myself completely depressed, I started praying longer and harder than I have in a long time. I don't think I said much. I just asked Jesus to help me. Sometimes I would tell Him that this grief was too difficult. Sometimes I would decide that it wasn't worth the effort. The weight of the package wasn't worth what was inside. I would think about what it would be like if I stopped trying to follow this god that was allowing me to cry so much.

I probably wouldn't cry as much...

But I wouldn't be content as often either...


And then I made it to the other side. I decided to stick it through with Jesus, and the weight/wait was worth it. The last time I had felt that depressed, I tried to ride it out without God's help and it took me about 6 months. This time took me about 3 weeks. I have also been able to better express my love for the family and for others. I have been able to pray more deeply, to love more unconditionally, and to be sad and upset without being depressed and unhelpful. Of course, I have a long way to go and a lot of ways to improve, but its a start.

--------------------------------------------------------

And now I am to the part that I am still learning.

I guess I am learning how to be aware of when it is time to mourn, when it is time to celebrate, and when it is time to be somewhere in the middle, and how my relationship with Jesus fits into ALL of that. It's a really basic idea, but it is easy to forget.

My friend Aaron (hi aaron!) gave me a fresh perspective on joy and sorrow when he described to me two types of people:

There are those who see sadness as genuine. Wanting to be genuine, they look for sadness. I guess you could call them pessimists. Even when something is going well, they find something wrong with it. They might say something like "It could be better if this weren't like that."

There are those who see happiness as genuine. Wanting to be genuine, they look for happiness. Optimists. Even when something goes wrong, they say "Well at least its okay because this is like that."

They are both trying to have a true, clear perspective on life, but half the time they are running right past it. Neither of those people are grasping the fullness of life; the life that, according to my experience in February, God wants us to have.

what's wrong with this picture?

Nigeria's vice-president slightly injures himself and has to travel to the UK to get medical treatment.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/em/fr/-/2/hi/africa/6442855.stm

Good thing he has enough money to get there.

I'm not judging Atiku, I don't have much of an opinion for or against him, I don't know enough about him, but I do have an opinion about this little medical trip.

I wonder where all the normal Nigerian folk get medical treatment, and why Atiku couldn't go there. There could be a lot of reasons, but I don't think I would like any of them.

Want to know more about Atiku? He is running for president. He is part of the People's Democratic Party (PDP), which has a very admirable mission statement:

“Faced with the tragic consequences of underdevelopment, our mission is to qualitatively transform the Nigerian economy and society. Therefore, we shall tirelessly work for:
-The creation of a dynamic economy designed to serve the people’s interest and in which market forces are combined with the forces of partnership, solidarity and co-operation to create and produce goods and services for all.
-Establishment of a free democratic society in which powers and actions of government are lawful and where those in authority are held responsible and accountable to the people.”
http://www.atikuabubakar.net/index.php?page=static/pdmpdp.html&topimage=images/politics.gif&menuid=6,0

Really, I don't know much about the PDP, or Nigeria for that matter, but I thought this was interesting. If you know any more about Atiku, the party, the impact of this party, the country, or anything else related, let me know by posting a comment, because I'd love to learn more about this country.

Don't be shy. We are all friends here. I know there are a lot of you out there that read this blog. And I know that a lot of you know a lot of stuff.

That's all. Goodnight.

My Flesh and Blood

Do you ever feel like life is hard?

Do you ever wish that your life was better?

Do you ever feel unmotivated, or like you are doing anything worthwhile?

Do you feel like you are doing too much?

Do you ever wish your family was at least a bit more normal?

Do you ever wish you were physically or mentally different? Better looking, smarter, more athletic, happier...

If you answered "yes," "sometimes," "maybe," "not really," "no," or any other answer to any of these questions (get the hint?), then I suggest that you watch the documentary directed by Jonathan Karsh in 2003 titled "My Flesh and Blood."

This film is about an overweight, single, middle aged woman and her 11 adopted special needs children.

I have a lot of thoughts about this family, many of which I am still sorting out.

The mother is definitely doing way too much, and her decision to do so has a clearly negative affect on some of her children. On the other hand, she saw a need and she decided to do something about it, sacrificing her time, money, and life for these children. Then again, the children are not the only ones in the family with needs. The grandmother suggested, and I agree, that the mother has a deep need to help people, and the best way for her to feel loved and accepted is to help people who depend on her. Thus by helping these children who obviously need to be cared for, she is fulfilling her need to feel loved. I am not sure if this is a completely healthy situation, but no matter how flawed or imperfect the situation may be, I admire the mother's devotion and love for these children. I would personally go crazy under the same circumstances.



My favorite of the children, and the one I admire the most, is Anthony. I think he should be 24 this year.

Watch the film and tell me what you think.

(sorry if there are extreme typos in this post. i typed this entire thing once already and then the blog page lost it, so i had to write it all over again. I'm way too tired and lazy to read through it yet another time...) ;)

i'm bAAAaaaack!

My computer is really dumb.

Praise God I have a computer, but it is really dumb.

...or maybe i'm dumb when it comes to computers...

ANYway, I haven't been able to sign into my blog for the last 3 weeks. I don't know what happened, but one day I went to the blog website, I clicked the "sign in" link, and nothing happened. I tried again, and still nothing. I turned off all my internet security and pop-up blockers. Still. nothing.

Then I shrugged my shoulders and walked away. I'm busy, I thought, its probably good that I can't sign in.

Unfortunately, the problem didn't go away. It turns out that I could sign into my blog on other computers, just not my own.

I don't know how I figured it out, but I just now was able to sign in.

How? I had to hold the shift key while I clicked on the "sign in" link.

SO, if a link seems broken for some weird, stupid reason, try hitting the "shift" key.
That is my lesson for the day. Well, I guess that's my lesson for the month...

Sorry for the silence recently. I'll write more on that later, but I'm really tired and I'm going to bed, feeling victorious. I have solved the puzzle and beaten the beast that is my computer.

In the meantime, if someone knows how I can fix the stupid link, please let me know.

Thanks, and goodnight. :)

Homeless

"Home" is a concept that I have a hard time understanding.

My parents and I moved every two or three years when I was growing up, and I LOVED it. We never moved far - always an hour drive this way or that way, but I was excited every time to have a new place to call "home." "Homesick" is another term I don't understand.

When I left on summer trips, when I went to college, when I studied in Australia for a semester, when I traveled this summer, I didn't get "homesick." Ask my parents. They never knew if I was alive or dead because I never called them and I never even thought about home.

I always thought that my love to move and my ability to not miss home showed that I adapt well to new places and situations. I thought it meant that I was flexible and comfortable in a variety of environments...

But then I went to Central City Community Church of the Nazarene. The service was incredible. It was one of the best services I have been to in a long time. "A piece of heaven," said my housemate Erin. Why was it so good? I have to give the pastor props, because his sermon was off-the-charts amazing. But I have heard some #1 hits before and they didn't always leave me feeling like I just walked through heaven's doors.

As I sat among the church congregation, I tried to figure out what made these people and this place so wonderful.

Then it hit me. The majority of the people that attend this church are homeless. The strangest realization for me was that I felt like I was one of them, struggling and hoping for the same things as them. At first I was almost angry with myself. My life is so easy compared to theirs. How could I be so ignorant to flippantly feel like I related with their struggles? How could I say that I felt like these men and women who have no place of their own were my family? I couldn't tell them that I understood what they were going through. I hated telling them I lived in Pasadena when they asked where I stayed. If one of them asked me for money on a street corner, I might not even give it to them. So how could I, albeit slightly ironically, feel like this place was "home-sweet-home" and these people were my family?Then it hit me again.

Praising God with this congregation was sweet to my soul because we all understood something crucial:

This life is not "home."

We agreed together that we know what "home" is supposed to be like, and this life was not it. We were longing together for something better, something perfect. We wanted not only the best for ourselves, but the best for each other. And we all knew where to look for it. We knew we could find a home in God, and that is where we put our hearts, capturing the idea that "home is where the heart is."

As I sat with the my brothers and sisters in Christ, praying for peace, asking for justice, hoping for breakthrough, committing to persevere through pain and temptation, I realized that this is what I had been looking for every time I moved when I was little. Being with a community that understood where "home" is is what I had been longing for. I was never homesick because there was no home to miss - I hadn't found it yet.

So I guess I can officially say that I am homesick. I desire a home the way a home should be. I am sick for a place where no one is in need, no one is in pain, and no one is left behind. I want to live in shalom, a place of peace. Who doesn't?

And as I write this, I realize that I am homesick for Africa (Ghana in particular) because of the community I found there. I found men and women greatly affected by and unsettled with the circumstances of an unjust world. They strive for something better, and live with the hope, faith, and understanding that the best home of all is discovered within a life that is committed to following Jesus.

For my friends in Ghana and the Central City church, the pain of every-day life in a broken world is sometimes too hard to bear, but they continue on with smiles on their faces because they know exactly where home is and what home is not. Life is hard, and they don't always smile, but they know where to find joy, where to find satisfaction, and where to find the comfort of a true home.

May God bless them and give them relief as they endure suffering that I will never fully understand and as we long and pray together for the home of peace and joy that God has promised us.

Patience is a virtue.

Coming soon to a blog near you.... a new post. ;)

In Memory of 2006

its 2007, folks.
can you believe it?
i can.

2006 was so jammed pack with life that if the new year hadn't come, I think 2006 would have exploded.

I remember standing in Downtown Disney with my wonderful friend Katie a little over a year ago, counting down the last minute of 2005. Tears came to my eyes when the clock struck midgnight, and I looked at Katie and said, "I'm going to miss 2005, it was possibly my best year so far. I don't know if 2006 will be able to match it."

I was so naive back then.
2006 trumped 2005.
Hands down.

But this year, I have learned my lesson:

I didn't shed a tear when 2006 walked away, because 2007 walked in.

This year is already off to a good start too. I got to praise God at midnight, I got to spend time with my good good good friend Jenna, and on new years day I got to drive home from san luis obispo down the 101, looking at a beautiful spotty-cloud dusk, and listening to Anathallo. That, my friends, was amazing.

happy new year and all that jazz.
I hope and pray that we all allow 2007 to be the best yet.